I fucking hate rides. Stop trying to convince me otherwise.

TW: Mentions and deals with sexual trauma.

Dubai Summer Surprises. Ugh. Sickly sweet and sticky cotton candy, rollercoasters, and that hateful, hateful ship.

A mechanical torture device made of wood, metal and pain. Look, it swings! Back and forth. Back and forth. Cheering and screams. We just went and it was such an easy ride, we’re going again! I’m shaking my head no. There’s gum at the bottom of my shoes. My aunt points to the four-year old cackling on the ship. I look to my parents. A defected child. It’s perfectly safe, don’t be scared! See, all your cousins are dying to go. I’d rather die than go. I’d rather die than go. A tennis ball lodged in my throat. My body is saying no, but my mouth can’t manufacture the words.

Come on, darpok! I can’t be weak. I know how bad the ship is, but maybe this time will be different. Lights flicker manically. Fairground organ music. Look, it’s a happy place for happy families!

I take my place on the elongated plastic seat. They lower the steel bar over my lap. My knuckles threaten to tear my skin. I glance at my smiling parents. Not so defected after all. They don’t see my bulging eyes. As the ship begins its movement, a hollow wailing takes hold in my stomach. The air finds gaps in my clenched teeth. Eyes squeezed shut. No. I want it to be over. Please let it be over.

How many times had I waited for it to be over?

They didn’t understand how it felt in my body. They wouldn’t believe me if I told them. Did they care?

A scream travels from my throat to my navel. Tears settle into my stomach, and vomit moves down into my hips. My eyes open and I see the same smiling people — an extended family — who now bend over to protect serial child abusers. I get off the ride. I’m so happy, I want to cry. They smile at me. See? A smile on my face, a brave girl. No defects.

*

Mechanical swings in Global Village, Dubai. Spinning teacups in Essel World, Mumbai. I have been on many rides. Lost count. I fucking hated each one, but I’ve learned to endure them.

Alton Towers in the UK. Another amusement park. How can you say no without trying it? In the queue, a male cousin pushes me from the back. Another pulls my arm from the front. Everyone laughs. I laugh. Tennis ball in my throat. It’ll be fun together! I sit on the floor and fold my legs. I refuse to budge. Something is wrong with me, but I know one thing: I’m not going. I’m NOT going.

A funny anecdote for the ages about a defected young girl. Haha, she sat on the floor and wouldn’t go!

*

I am at a wedding. A shehnai plays in the distance. Ten female relatives add finishing touches on their make-up. Tinkling earrings and bad jokes. They laugh. Look, it’s a happy family! Mothers of several child abusers, a loud shehnai, and I.

I fix the sleeve on my blouse. My aunt begins to yell at my young cousin who’s in a bad mood to “fix her expression.” Another defected child. Fairground organs play. I see my cousin’s slightly bulging eyes. I believe her eyes.

I yell YES! DON’T YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO SMILE? IT’S IMPORTANT TO SMILE. WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY?

They stare. Why can’t she be strong? Why can’t she endure pain, fear, abuse? Why can’t her body hold it in silence? Shame on her hips for betraying her. An angry woman. Defected?

A defected family. I am immovable. Full of fear, in love with my anger. Play as many organs as you like, I’m never going back on that ship.

I am at the mandap. My young cousin smiles at me, her eyes unmoving. I sit by her and put my arm around her shoulder. I’m here. I want to tell her no one can force her onto the ship. She can fold her legs and plant herself on the ground. I will be here. I tell her about the family creepers. She won’t believe me. What are you saying? He’s so sweet!

At least she knows, I think. If someone forces her to go on a ride, she’ll come to me. I hope.

Dear reader, I will always believe you when you tell me you hate rides. We can toss rings around glass bottles together and I will try to win you a stuffed animal.

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